Breaking Off A Piece

When I was a kid, I would get up early so that I could watch Pokemon sitting in a blue microfiber recliner I called “The ComfortZone” every day before I left to go to school.

I’m assuming because of how ad space is sold for children’s programming [Ed. note: Any intel, Sara Bar?], there were only seven or eight total commercials that ever played; of course, in fast order, my siblings and I memorized every single one of them.

This prompted some pretty strange, automatic reactions from us each time one of these ads came on, as we would quickly repeat jingles and ad copy, and hold jerky re-enactments of the clip of “Don’t You … Forget About Me” by Simple Minds featured in the compilation CD commercial.

One of those strange reactions was in response to the jingle for the Nestle Magic Ball, where we would shout outlandish replacement suggestions* as to what was inside the many layers of the Magic Ball. Because the jingle would get stuck in your head so easily, we got the opportunity often, which was always very funny**.

*[Ed. note: Most common suggestions: “poop”, “pee”, “puke”]

**[Ed. note 2: Most hilarious suggestions: “poop”, “pee”, “puke”]

I never got a chance to ever eat a Nestle Magic ball, though. They were quickly pulled off the market because the toys they contained in their chocolate-encased Balls That Pop were almost all very definitely choking hazards.

But because Nestle still hadn’t learned their lesson, they re-entered the “let’s throw shit in a chocolate shell and people will buy it” foray with the Nestle Wonder Ball a year or two later, filling this sweet vessel with somehow-easier-to-choke-on SweetTart candies.

Again, Nestle made an earwormy commercial for it, and again, we watched it a lot when Pokemon was on.

As the Wonder Ball faded into obscurity and 90s nostalgia lists, I didn’t pay it much attention.

Until a few weeks ago, when my friends Alex and Abby Bar presented me with the Toy Toy they found while shopping at the Joong Boo Asian Market in Avondale.

Guys.

It’s a Nestle Magic. With, like, 2 fewer things to unwrap.

WHAT’S INSIDE THE YELLOW FOIL IS …

WHAT’S INSIDE THE CHOCOLATE EGG.

WHAT’S INSIDE THE CHOCOLATE EGG IS …

WHAT’S INSIDE THE … SWEET JESUS, THERE’S EVEN A BALL THAT POPS.

WHAT’S INSIDE THE BALL THAT POPS IS …

… oh goodness …

… a complex*, assembly-required** children’s toy that I choked on twice in the process of writing this sentence.

*[Ed. note: For being inside of a chocolate ball.]

**[Ed. note: Yes, that is absolutely one of the only cases where a hyphenated -ly word in a compound adjective is grammatically correct and as a former copy editor and a chronic hyphenator, I will remember this moment until the day I die.]

Really though.

These things are a death trap. Hide your children.

Look at this.

Somehow those little guys found a way to not obstruct my windpipe, and the assembly of the little plastic drop-top could not have made the end of my lunch break any happier [Ed. note: I am a grown man.]. I felt very accomplished upon completion of the finished product, and I have another fun thing to put next to the pile of candy bars on my desk.

Man, what a sweet-ass car.

The chocolate was terrible.