Category Archives: Rank ‘Em Up

A salve for your Girl Scout Cookie withdrawal

IMG_4269Girl Scout Cookies are a thing that everybody forgets about loving until the day they go on sale again. [Ed. note: Think I’m kidding? Tell me what day they go on sale. You can’t, can you? It’s the most ambiguous time of year.] After that? Look out. Frenzy time.

People buy boxes and boxes; they freeze them, they share them, they talk about them and they write about them. When the supplies dwindle, there’s a little bit of lament, then we go back to jammin’ on Oreos, E.L. Fudges and Girl Scout Cookie facsimiles, until the next season comes around again. Rinse, repeat.

I typically avoid them.


I know enough about my levels of self-control to know what will happen when I bring them into the house: a sleeve becomes a serving size.

A single bar, though? Not a bad way to get your fix, be it on account of withdrawal or abstinence. Nestle offers Girl Scout Cookie-themed Crunch Bars typically in the May-August months, though they’re less like Crunch Bars and closer to a Reese Stick or a Kit Kat in their wafer-based nature.

They have three offerings based on three cookies. My thoughts:

Peanut Butter Creme (based on Tagalongs or Peanut Butter Patties, depending on your regional nomenclature) (pictured above)

This bar tastes like if there were a romantic comedy where a Little Debbie Nutty Bar stars as a clumsy-but-lovable man boy who accidentally conceives a child with the uptight Reese’s Sticks after a boozy post-kickball happy hour — even though they couldn’t be more different — then end up falling in love and raising the child candy bar, only if that bar was played by the same kid who played Anakin Skywalker in Episode I: The Phantom Menace and only did a serviceable job, so you really were left wishing that you had just reached for one of his parents.

A Reese’s Sticks or a Nutty Bar would both have been better, but I have to say that if that pod racing part is on, I watch it every time.

IMG_4318Caramel & Coconut (Samoas or Caramel DeLites)

Caramel DeLites were always my favorite growing up, and I think that the Caramel & Coconut is my favorite of the Girl Scout Cookie Crunches.

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Rank em up: Starburst

IMG_3948Please be respectful in the comments. Slurs and nefarious epithets will not be tolerated. This means you, Bar McCann.

I will now list the flavors of Starburst, according to taste (in descending order): Continue reading

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Rank ‘Em Up: Skittles


[Ed. note: Rank ‘Em Up is a running feature in which I will give definitive rankings of something candy-bar-related, and you will disagree with me and end up respecting me less.]

These are the definitive rankings of the colors of Skittle.

1. Red
2. Old green
3. Yellow
4. Orange
5. Purple

17. New green. Fk you, new green. I hate you and you have made it impossible to grab a handful and toss them into your mouth without care or consequence. You mesh with none of the other flavors and besmirch the memory of your predecessor in color.

Disagree? Sound off. I have my reasons. I’m curious about yours. Taste the rainbow.

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