Monthly Archives: March 2015

It’s Bunny Season: Lesser-Known Siblings

IMG_3859The Cadbury Creme Egg and the Peep are iconographic Easter candies. They are front and center around this time of year and easy to find. They are the Peyton Mannings of their respective candy families.

But both have Coopers among their brood. (Don’t even get me started on that villain Eli.)

It’s important to remember that the Cadbury Mini Egg and the chocolate-covered mega-Peep, while oft-overlooked, are still probably better at football than most candies.

Tasting Notes

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– The mini-eggs are very reminiscent of an egg-like M&M, only with CDM chocolate inside and a matte finish instead of a glossy.
– They’re less melty than an M&M but smoother in composition.
– They taste nothing like a Cadbury Creme Egg.

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– Straight up, this is better than a Peep.
– Does that make the regular Peep the Eli of the family? This one is definitely Peyton. Or Archie. Perhaps Party Peep is Eli.
– Can’t wait to call him Party Peep. Forever.

***

Awkward Candy Moments

“That is $17 of Easter candy. Great variation, too. You are about to have a good afternoon, aren’t you?”

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Happy Birthday Mama!

IMG_3856Today’s my mom’s birthday. She’s a pretty awesome mom. She tells some pretty mean stories.

And raised a pirate and didn’t even care.

Happy birthday to you, Mom. You made me more than your fair share of PB&J sandwiches, though they were usually just straight ‘ol PBs because you knew I didn’t like things that tasted like fruit for a very long time.

[Ed. note: I asked her what her favorite candy bar was and she mused, “Like music, it depends on my mood.” Snickers and the Bar That Keeps Hitting On You At The Bar were tossed out there as top contenders as well.]

***

Tasting Notes

– This candy bar tastes like a chocolate peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
– Please, could you tell me if that tastes good? Because I’m still not sure.

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It’s Bunny Season: My Peeps Like To Party

I like to picture Peeps in a tuxedo T-shirt because it says, like, “I wanna be formal, but I’m here to party too” because I like to party and I like my Peeps to party, too.

I like my Peeps to look like a birthday cake backstage at a Kesha concert.

I like my Peeps to tell their mom that they’re going to Madison’s to stay overnight but really be sneaking into a Zedd’s Dead show with a fake ID the night before New Year’s Eve.

I like my Peeps to be picked up off the ground of a Boystown street in June.

I like my Peeps to have “Costume accessory, Saturday Night Fever” on their resume. 

I like my Peeps to bring the flask to the art museum.

I like my Peeps to say things like, “I’m not sure, but this dealer’s never let me down before.”

I like my Peeps to know the spots in Panama City Beach where locals go.

I like my Peeps to learn their first big life lesson after they lose $600 buying counterfeit Tomorrowland tickets.

I like my Peeps to taste best if you eat them under a black light.

***

Tasting Notes

– They’re Peeps, man.
– There is a very slight vanilla flavoring, it tastes like a faint bit of frosting or cake batter.
– The glitter coloring provides a slightly smoother mouthfeel compared to it’s more granular forefathers. A nice little treat.

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It’s Bunny Season: Remember How Awesome Reese’s Eggs Are?

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… Russell Stover Peanut Butter Eggs are that miserable. They are fking disgusting and the first candy I’ve actually spit out all year.

Does that look like peanut butter to you?

Does that look like peanut butter to you?

You have ruined my day you monsters.

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It’s Bunny Season: The Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg Drops A Little Bop Upside All The Other Candy Eggs

IMG_3849We’ve rounded into Late Lent, folks; Easter is everywhere. [Ed. note: Though it’d be great to see more Palm Sunday. Some serious entertainment value in those palms when you’re sitting in church with your siblings.]

This means all sorts of things. Lots of pastels. Horrifying rabbits. Saran wrapped baskets.

That grass. That gets everywhere and steals all of your jellybeans and is the worst thing why can’t we just put our candy in plastic baggies inside of the basket because everyone would be happier and their candy consumption would be less tedious and all-around a better experience.

But it especially means eggs. All of the eggs, from the terrible hard-boiled and dyed ones to the plastic ones that if you were lucky were filled with a dollar. [Ed. note: That has to be one of the weirdest false ranges ever.] Egg-shaped things are given increased attention, and the candy companies have taken notice.

We’ll be talking about many of these eggs in the next week and a half, but I had to kick off my Easter candy commentary by throwing some dap in the direction of the champion of candy eggs: the Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg. Continue reading

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“That’s Definitely the Record, Man”

IMG_3823“So, are we going to talk to them or what?”

“Dude, you know I don’t do openers.”

“I know.”

*breath*

“So, we think the both of you are absolutely adorable. Can we buy you a drink?”

(squinting in recognition) “Were the two of you at CVS earlier today? And, like, fighting over him buying you a candy bar?

[Ed. note: Any input/suggestions on better openers is welcome and encouraged.]

****** Continue reading

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Dilemma Solved

“Buzz off all your hair? Don’t be an airhead (bites).”

Welp. That happened. Thanks for the input, everybody!

Tasting Notes

– These are very much like a giant version of a Skittle, just with less charisma.

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Help me with an important dilemma

Oh hey der loyal readers. I’m in need of some advice.

Before I hit you with my sitch, there are two things you need to know about me for context.

1. I have a terrible character flaw where I have a crippling need to prove anybody who challenges me wrong.

2. I have an emerging bald spot on the crown of my head as well as a receding hairline.

Now that that is understood, here we go:

I’m here in Vegas having a great time. It is beautiful, I am surrounded by great friends, I am gambling and watching college basketball.

While walking around, my buddy Max Bar noticed that my bald spot has gotten more prevalent and made a comment as such. We got started talking about it and at some point I said something about how at some point I would need to just shave it all off and go short.

Thence, of course, the challenge was issued.

Going short buzz is something I’ve always wanted to try, and is a sober decision I want to make. Doing it now not only presents a time to do so but also gives me a chance to prove those dopes wrong.

So, is there a way for me to buzz my hair off without becoming a “he went to Vegas, got drunk and became a character in a Hangover movie” cliche?

Open to all thoughts. If it helps, I am wearing sunglasses that make me look like a robot.

Tasting Notes

– Fake banana flavor is the worst.
– Lotta folks out there not thinkin a Laffy Taffy is a candy bar. I maintain my categorization.

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Guest Bar: Alexander Luft on PayDay



[Ed. note: Alexander Luft is an umpteen-time published writer who has espoused on the human form as it relates to Scrabble, Jeopardy and people. Together, we have been involved in kidnappings, weddings and press releases. His dog loves and fears me.]

I’d like to write about what candy means to us. I want to write about the distance between our lives as we live them and our lives as we’d imagine them.

Or maybe I really just want to write about PayDay.

The peanut-encrusted treat was developed in 1932 by the Hollywood Candy Company, which was based in the other Hollywood, the one in Carver County, Minneapolis. These were the days of Franklin D. Roosevelt vs. Herbert Hoover. These were the days at the outset of the Depression. The American Gross National Product had fallen 31 percent since Black Tuesday.

Ever optimistic, the men of the Hollywood Candy Company perfected the recipe for a bar of nougat and salted peanuts. This bar, they might have believed, would change things. It had sweetness, it had crunch. It had everything except for a name.

According to legend, the men of Hollywood Candy were at a loss for the name. Then one of them remarked that at least it was pay day at the company. These were the worst years, economically speaking, of our history. In 1932, the U.S. unemployment rate topped 23 percent.

Over 13 million Americans had lost their jobs since the beginning of the financial crisis. The Hollywood men named their bar PayDay.

Back then, that candy, that name, was perhaps the one thing that most of us wanted. And yet how many saw a PayDay in a candy shop and reached into their pockets, felt nothing there, and had to just imagine how it tasted? Could there have been anything quite as sweet as a PayDay? Continue reading

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A Marvellous Way to Kick Off A Vacation

IMG_3746My colleague Aussie Mike Bar just returned from a two-week sojourn to his native Sydney. Having taken an interest in this little Piece-Breaking project I’ve begun, he brought back his favorite candy bar: the Cadbury Marvellous Creations.

You’d imagine my trepidation towards noshing on a candy bar that consisted of what looked to be pop rocks, M&M’s and jelly beans blasted into CDM by means of a chocolate cannon. [Ed. note: Logistically I am very curious how this cannon delivers said candy blast without itself becoming the very candy it’s blasting.]

There’s also this matter of “beanies”, which Mike was unable to explain and I think is just a fun way to say jellybean, but also definitely shouldn’t belong in a candy bar because jellybeans and chocolate why?

Jelly. Popping. Candy. Beanies.

Jelly. Popping. Candy. Beanies.

But then you eat it, and it’s like Mardi Gras in your mouth. There are trumpets and fizzies and melties and chewies. All of the flavors blend together into this party that should have gotten broken up by the cops hours ago, but the neighbors are pretty cool and remember back in the day when they used to do the same thing.

It’s really, really fun and really, really good. I have no idea why.

… So good, in fact, that I’ve decided to take a few days in Las Vegas to gamble on some basketball and think it over. I’ll still be eating candy, but updates until Tuesday will be a bit more sporadic. Oh, and keep an eye out on Thursday … there’s a special treat on its way.

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