Category Archives: Non-Fiction

“That’s Definitely the Record, Man”

IMG_3823“So, are we going to talk to them or what?”

“Dude, you know I don’t do openers.”

“I know.”

*breath*

“So, we think the both of you are absolutely adorable. Can we buy you a drink?”

(squinting in recognition) “Were the two of you at CVS earlier today? And, like, fighting over him buying you a candy bar?

[Ed. note: Any input/suggestions on better openers is welcome and encouraged.]

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“Havin’ a movie night?”

IMG_3675It took a five-minute drive from the exit after the Iron Skillet on I-94 in Wisconsin to find, but the gas station convenience mart had a phenomenal candy bar aisle.

After a seven-minute perusal, I carried my bounty with both hands. There were only one and a half people in the checkout line at the mart, a young mother and her little girl. One had a handful of scratch-offs, another sported a baseball cap made of denim.

They paid, then turned to leave. I smiled and nodded as they walked past me to the door. The mom smiled back with eyes squinted in perplexion.

The girl looked a little jealous.

The bell on the door jingled as I dropped my cornucopia of sweets onto the counter. The checkout gal looks at me.

“Havin’ a movie night?”

“Ah … no. Heh, just have a bad … just, uh, work for a candy company. Always am bringin’ stuff in to the boys for inspiration.”

“Ah, that’s a fun job to have!”

“Yeah, it’s uh, a real tough business to break into, but the perks are pretty good.”

“What’s it called?”

“It’s, um, a … It’s called (cough) sorry … um, BlackHawk Candies. … “It’s a startup in Chicago.”

“Oh. Great.”

“That’ll be $27.38.”

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A Passage From An Autobiography Without Any Context, Vol. 2

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… and upon circumspection of the train car, he very violently realized that he was the kinda drunk guy on the Red Line eating a candy bar he was so excited to buy at Starbucks because he hadn’t seen it before and could write about it on his candy bar blog later that his parents always warned him about.

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