Monthly Archives: January 2015

WTF Is This?: Snickers Rockin’ Nut Road

IMG_3574I never really understood rocky road.

[Ed. note: I know you’re here for my candy bar expertise, but I was once an ice cream professional, SO I THINK IT’S FAIR TO SAY I KNOW A THING OR TWO ABOUT ICE CREAM; so Imma go ahead and talk about it for a minute here. I also know about mopping, tossing and catching gummi bears, and smooties, but that’s a different entry.]

It’s just chocolate ice cream with two flavors that get overpowered by the base ice cream flavor, and one of two textures that are barely distinguishable. It’s certainly not a bad flavor, I just don’t know how or why it became a staple in the ice cream flavor canon, alongside standouts like cookie dough, neapolitan and cookies and cream (LOL just kidding about neapolitan nobody eats that weird stuff on purpose). Continue reading

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Two Quick Pieces

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Tasting Notes

– You know, I DID feel like a skinny cow.

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Tasting Notes

– If you’ve ever wanted to eat a suit-jacket button made of chocolate, this candy bar is for you.

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Exercises in Candy Paraphernelia

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I remember, as a kid, being candy-shamed for the “smoking” candy cigarettes by my elementary school guidance counselor. She said that they were just a marketing tool used by the cigarette companies to get kids to want to smoke real cigarettes, and that real cigarettes are a dangerous road to walk down, young man.

She was mistaken, though. Kids want to smoke real cigarettes because they are cool, because they aren’t supposed to and/or because their parents smoke them. The only thing that candy cigarettes make kids want to know is what they’re actually supposed to look like, because they look nothing like actual cigarettes. [Ed. note: They actually look like joints, kids. Marijuana joints. And, it seems, current culture is saying those are probably better for you to smoke anyway. Certainly more fun, at least.] Continue reading

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Chick-O-Sticks Are Really Weird

IMG_3572​I mean really. Look at that thing.

Everything about it: the color, the flavor combination (peanut butter and coconut. because why not?), the packaging, the color again, the crumbles.

How did this become a candy bar?

Tasting Notes

– Eating a Chick-O-Stick is basically like eating the inside of a Butterfinger, only if you rolled it in coconut and shaped it like two long goose poops.

Google Search That Brought Traffic To BOaP of the Day

“do not eat krackel candy”

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BREAKING NEWS: Hershey’s Is Making Life Miserable For Brits Who Just Want Their Sweets

24CHOCOLATENYsub2-jumbo[Alternate headlines: “BREAKING NEWS: Hershey’s Is Basically Doing the Boston Tea Party But With Chocolate”; “BREAKING NEWS: Something Something Something Something Bollocks!”; “BREAKING NEWS: In Off-Colour Move, Hershey’s Gives British Candy Flavourful Departure”]

Thanks to an alert from loyal readers Marin Bar and Regan Bar, it’s come to my attention that Hershey’s is making all American importers of fine British chocolates cease their importing of said fine British chocolates, on the grounds of trademarks and regional licensing. Continue reading

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A Passage From An Autobiography Without Any Context, Vol. 2

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… and upon circumspection of the train car, he very violently realized that he was the kinda drunk guy on the Red Line eating a candy bar he was so excited to buy at Starbucks because he hadn’t seen it before and could write about it on his candy bar blog later that his parents always warned him about.

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A Symphony of a Call To Action

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So, I chomped down on a Hershey’s Symphony bar yesterday, and in the ensuing comedown, when I typically begin to think about what I want to write about, I came to the realization that a) I was terrible at coming up with classical music puns and b) that I was the wrong person to be writing the Symphony post.

You see, I have a tall friend named Ricky, owner of a casual orchestral blog (now, sadly defunct) and Twitter feed and possesor of rare talents such as hippo hands and writing prowess. He could have knocked this post so far out of the park that we couldn’t even make a baseball metaphor out of it.

Ricky’s not the only friend I have with those talents (well, excluding the hippo hands. You own that one, friend.); a great deal of this very blog’s loyal readers have voiced candy opinions I would love to hear more about.

It’s been about a month; I think both you and I get the gist of what’s going on on here. So I’m sending out an open invitation:

Do you want to guest-write a post on Breaking Off A Piece? Quite literally, it can be about anything — doesn’t have to be a candy bar, though that’s obviously encouraged. If so, message, tweet, Facebook, email, call, text or comment in my direction. I’d love to have your contribution.

We can … make beautiful music together. BOOM SYMPHONY JOKE GOT ONE IN. (I’m so sorry.)

Tasting Notes

– For those unfamiliar (including me, which was the reason I bought the bar in the first place), a Symphony is basically what happens if you melt a bunch of Hershey’s Milk Chocolate and Toffee Nuggets and made a bar out of it, except if the toffee was a little less crunchy.
– This candy tasted good. Not an all-timer when it comes to toffee, but tasty nonetheless.

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Candy Bar or Candy Baren’t: Keebler Fudge Sticks Jumbo

IMG_3564IMG_3566Keebler doesn’t make candy bars. They make cookies.

Little elves ‘n stuff, you know? Do you think the tree where they’re confined houses not only a bakery school but also a confectionery school? Please. The only real skill they have with chocolate is in haphazardly adding it when they’ve baked a substandard cookie.

Oh, did I go too far? Have you ever had an E.L. Fudge without the fudge? It’s edible, but otherwise, it’s a pretty shitty cookie. The don’t call it E.L. Cookies. There’s a reason for that. (Mad props to my Magistra for ensuring I was exposed to E.L. Fudge enough to be able to make those jokes.)

That being said … what happens when Keebler *does* make a candy bar? Continue reading

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It’s OK, The Vegans Probably Don’t Have Any Beef With You

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“I don’t like vegans. I gotta say: I trust ’em about as much as I trust a rattlesnake.” – Unnamed, mustachioed, cigar-smoking man with whom I once judged a chili cook-off

Vegans really piss some people off.

And I’m not talking about the shitty vegans. The man-this-is-a-pretty-sweet-castle-I’m-hanging-out-in-with-my-seitan-and-judgment vegans. The please-just-look-away-while-I-eat-this-cheesesteak-because-your-eyes-are-making-me-feel-guilty vegans. I think we can all agree that those people do exist and they are terrible.

No, the ones I’m referring to are the 90-95% of vegans who are actually just people. Completely normal, personable folks who have made the dietary decision to not eat anything that has to do with an animal (or something like that — vegan friends feel free to correct and/or elaborate). They don’t force their lifestyle upon you, and the only burden they become is the astronomical lift it takes to consider their diet when you invite them into your home to entertain and feed them. They do their black bean stuff while you do your ground beef stuff and afterward you watch the game together over two bottles of the same beer.

And people despise them. Continue reading

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WTF Is This?: Carlos V

IMG_3559Still sullen from the Packers’ remarkable defeat, I walked into the Walgreens around the corner from me and went a-lookin’ for new candy. I saw this dude smiling at me, and grabbed it because I’d never seen it before and Carlos looked like a gallant fella. It was $0.39. I’ll get to how it tasted (spoiler alert: mediocre) in a moment, but here are some things I’ve noted since that purchase:

– Carlos V is named after Charles V, the Holy Roman Emperor who allegedly introduced chocolate to the European courts. I had always thought it was just Johnny Depp, though I never actually watched the movie, instead choosing to pester Sister Bar by pronouncing “Chocolat” like an imbecile.
– Carlos is Spanish for Charles. Once I put this together, I remembered that I live in a Hispanic neighborhood and things began to come together.
– Carlos V is a “milk chocolate style bar” which sounds like a lot of the silliness that happened with Whatchamacallit.
– The Carlos V contains a riddle in Spanish, with two options for breaking off. I don’t speak Spanish, but I bit into the “Si” side. I hope it was asking me if I was a cowboy.

Si, baby.

Si, baby.

Tasting Notes

– It tasted like chocolate that was just OK.
– Really, no frills. Just chocolate with a Spanish message. There are better chocolate bars out there. There are also probably better Spanish messages.

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