Tag Archives: Wonka

Wonka gives up, tells it like it is

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I’ve eaten a lot of gummi bears in my day, most of them disguised as fruit snacks.

I’ve eaten sharks [Ed. note: The best of them all and please don’t try to convince me otherwise.], wormsheroes of time, lazy cartoon cats (and their friends), mystery-solving teams and their accompanying psychedelic vans, flotation devicesjuiceboxes, boy bands, video game characters, fruit thieves, gushing volcanoes and Legos.

At the end of the day, they’re all corn syrup and gelatin that’s been poured into a mold to resemble something to stimulate someone to make a purchase. And those molds are usually pretty random.

In related news, the other day at the Walgreens, I ran into a new Wonka bar.

Guess what Wonka decided to call it. [Ed. note: You already know what they called it. Entertain me.]

Randoms.

Part of me wants to make fun of them for how stupid a name that is. The other part wants to give them kudos for being transparent.

But that first part is definitely winning out. Especially after I read this transcript from their gummi originations meeting.

“Guys, guys, guys … All we’ve been doing for the past 3 hours is arguing over what random shit will sell the most. We’re not going to come to a consensus. Let’s narrow down a list of finalists, go back to our families and vote tomorrow.”

“That’s it, sir.”

“What’s it?”

“Random shit.”

“Excuse me?”

“Random shit. Literally. As random as it gets. It’s what the public wants. Let’s give it to them.”

“Go on.”

“A bag of gummis that’s made up of just random shit. No connection among any of it: There can be a bike, and a crown, and a Nokia phone, and a couch, and umm … what the fk, how about a seahorse?”

“Brilliant.”

“That’s our candy bar.”

“What do we call it?”

“Umm …”

“…”

“Randoms, sir. We call them Randoms.”

“MEETING ADJOURNED.”

If this takes off, I look forward to M&M-Mars coming out with Stuff, and Wonka having to issue a cease and desist to Hershey’s for Things.

Tasting notes

They tasted like Gummi Savers. Give me Shark Bites any day.

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Improving Laffy Taffy Jokes

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QUESTION: What do you call an X that just got out of the shower?
– Kris J.’s punchline: A clean X!
– Worse punchline: A frighteningly hygienic chromosome
– Better punchline: Something that W’s been awaiting for a long, long time
GOOD ONE, KRIS J.

QUESTION: Why did the banana go to the hairdresser?
– Colt C.’s punchline: He had a split end!
– Worse punchline: She wanted a more a-peeling look!
– Better punchline:
VERY PROGRESSIVE, COLT C., BECAUSE MEN DON’T OFTEN GO TO HAIRDRESSERS. I BET YOU ARE BELOVED AT COCKTAIL PARTIES.

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QUESTION: What would you do without your memories?
– Matt M.’s punchline: Forget
– Worse punchline: Hey, this is a sad reality for a growing number of people you piece of shit
– Better punchline: Be a happier, prouder and more confident member of society? But hey, again, up yours, Matt M.
THERE’S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT ALZHEIMER’S AND DEMENTIA, MATT M.

QUESTION: How does a dinosaur come out of a pool?
– Trenton S.’ punchline: Wet!
– Worse punchline: Proud of itself for inventing a pool
– Better punchline: Incapable of using a towel
DINOSAUR JOKES ARE GOOD IN MY BOOK, TRENTON S. WE’RE COOL.

IMG_3716QUESTION: Why did the rabbit go to the hospital?
– Torie P.’s punchline: To get a hop-eration!
– Worse punchline: Anything relating to a tortoise. Don’t want it, Aesop.
– Better [Ed. note: and more accurate/likely] punchline: Childbirth
TORIE’S FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR IS CLEARLY EASTER.

QUESTION: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
– Haris B.’s punchline: Not much, it just let out a little whine
– Worse [Ed. note: but more accurate] punchline: Not much, it just let out a little juice that hadn’t been fermented yet
– Better punchline (tie): HOLY FKING SHIT WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU DO THAT YOU MONSTER LOOK WHERE YOU’RE WALKING WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY THAT WAS IN SPIDER-MAN; Nothing, because grapes can’t talk
DON’T YOU KNOW HOW WINE WORKS, HARIS B.?

Tasting Notes

– It’s pretty great to think that all taffy is is sugar.
– A big, stretchy thing of sugar.
– Strawberry, watermelon, grape.
– How do you get the Laffy Taffy joke curator job? Asking for a friend.

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“Havin’ a movie night?”

IMG_3675It took a five-minute drive from the exit after the Iron Skillet on I-94 in Wisconsin to find, but the gas station convenience mart had a phenomenal candy bar aisle.

After a seven-minute perusal, I carried my bounty with both hands. There were only one and a half people in the checkout line at the mart, a young mother and her little girl. One had a handful of scratch-offs, another sported a baseball cap made of denim.

They paid, then turned to leave. I smiled and nodded as they walked past me to the door. The mom smiled back with eyes squinted in perplexion.

The girl looked a little jealous.

The bell on the door jingled as I dropped my cornucopia of sweets onto the counter. The checkout gal looks at me.

“Havin’ a movie night?”

“Ah … no. Heh, just have a bad … just, uh, work for a candy company. Always am bringin’ stuff in to the boys for inspiration.”

“Ah, that’s a fun job to have!”

“Yeah, it’s uh, a real tough business to break into, but the perks are pretty good.”

“What’s it called?”

“It’s, um, a … It’s called (cough) sorry … um, BlackHawk Candies. … “It’s a startup in Chicago.”

“Oh. Great.”

“That’ll be $27.38.”

Continue reading

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Brit Week: Union Jack, I Got Your Back

IMG_3623About a month ago, I did a little bit of ranting about some silliness involving Hershey’s, Cadbury, and international trade and commerce. In response to said silliness, I vowed to import a smattering of candy bars and eat them in succession.

Basically, the Boston Tea Party, only in reverse.

Well, friends. It’s here. Welcome to Brit Week. [Ed. note: Yes, I know it’s Wednesday.] Continue reading

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Friendship is pretty sweet

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Sometimes, when you’re having an especially rough day, a coworker notices and offers a token of camaraderie, and it really helps.

Cheers, mate.

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