Tag Archives: Marshmallow

Lumps of Coal

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When I was a wee lad, my grandma used to babysit me a lot. She was a sweet lady who loved Arnold Schwarzenegger and had a right hand that didn’t open up all the way on account of an industrial accident at a factory where she worked.

When I got tired of watching Predator and started beating up on my sisters, she would Stop That Right Now, Young Man Or Else You’re Going To Get THE CLAW.

She would beckon at me with her semi-clenched hand, her fingers extended and her long, sharpened fingernails pointed directly at my heart.

And I would stop, sit back down and get right back to watching Predator.

Grandma (Grambo to those who knew her – she loved Stallone too) passed a couple of years ago. As my family gathered to mourn and pore over pictures, possessions and memories, my cousins and I all came to realize that nobody ever actually got The Claw [Ed. note: It turns out, to some’s chagrin.] – the object of our abject fear was merely a ruse to get us to stop being such little shits.

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Miss you, Gram.

A similar ruse?

“If you don’t behave, all Santa is going to bring you is a lump of coal.”

Ignoring the fact that these days coal is a precious resource that might have a higher value than a great many other gifts, for a child, this is a scary-ass proposition. And, for the most part, it works.

Now, I know I’m not breaking new ground here, but we all recognize that nobody has ever – outside of the Kingsford briquette that your wisenheimer dad decided was a funny joke one year – gotten coal in their stocking in lieu of Christmas presents, right? The fortitude a parent would need to deal with the repercussions on Christmas morning alone would make it a futile decision, not to mention the therapy they’d need to pay for years later.

We continue to propagate the threat, though. And finally, someone’s taking advantage!

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If you squint real hard … they still don’t look like coal.

Butterfinger decided to market their holiday varietal as lumps of coal (pictured at top), and I couldn’t be happier. For one, it means the kids whose wisenheimer dads were going to put charcoal in their stocking now have a shot at a delicious alternative, but, really, it’s a creative way to package the best-possible form of Butterfinger. The chocolate-to-Butterfinger-stuffins ratio is higher than a typical Butterfinger, which offers a gentler tasting experience, both in the ways of initial taste as well as a more reasonable amount of candy that gets stuck in your teeth.

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WTF is This? Milky Way Marshmallow

IMG_4581Ran into this one at the Walgreens the other day; the “limited edition” caught my eye.

It could be best described as the outcome of a torrid love affair between a Milky Way and a Peep.

From what I could tell, the Milky Way Marshmallow features the same caramel:nougat ratio as a regular Milky way, only the nougat is vanilla/marshmallow-flavored instead of faint-chocolate-flavored. The effect: a stronger contrast between nougat and chocolate shell, with the layer of caramel carrying more of the brunt of the taste burden — when the nougat and shell are similarly flavored (the Milky Way), it’s primarily a chocolate bar with a caramel accent, whereas when there are two contrasting flavors (Milky Way Marshmallow), the caramel becomes the dominant flavor while the chocolate and marshmallow become the two accents.

I like the standard Milky Way more.

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It’s Bunny Season: The Last Peep

IMG_3894There’s always more Peeps in the basket than anybody ever wants.

You eat one or two on Easter, then go for the Reese’s Eggs, then the malted milk balls, then the chocolate bunny for pre-breakfast dessert dessert. After a little while, you pick the jellybeans out that get swallowed by the basket “grass”.

But you never return to the Peeps until you’re ready to toss the remainder of the basket, “grass”, Rain-blo eggs and all.

They’re hard as a rock, having sat out for 3-4 days, passed over in favor of candy that tastes better. Saccharine orphans, hardened and abandoned.

These Peeps. They are the best Peeps. And it’s not even close.

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It’s Bunny Season: Lesser-Known Siblings

IMG_3859The Cadbury Creme Egg and the Peep are iconographic Easter candies. They are front and center around this time of year and easy to find. They are the Peyton Mannings of their respective candy families.

But both have Coopers among their brood. (Don’t even get me started on that villain Eli.)

It’s important to remember that the Cadbury Mini Egg and the chocolate-covered mega-Peep, while oft-overlooked, are still probably better at football than most candies.

Tasting Notes

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– The mini-eggs are very reminiscent of an egg-like M&M, only with CDM chocolate inside and a matte finish instead of a glossy.
– They’re less melty than an M&M but smoother in composition.
– They taste nothing like a Cadbury Creme Egg.

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– Straight up, this is better than a Peep.
– Does that make the regular Peep the Eli of the family? This one is definitely Peyton. Or Archie. Perhaps Party Peep is Eli.
– Can’t wait to call him Party Peep. Forever.

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Awkward Candy Moments

“That is $17 of Easter candy. Great variation, too. You are about to have a good afternoon, aren’t you?”

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It’s Bunny Season: My Peeps Like To Party

I like to picture Peeps in a tuxedo T-shirt because it says, like, “I wanna be formal, but I’m here to party too” because I like to party and I like my Peeps to party, too.

I like my Peeps to look like a birthday cake backstage at a Kesha concert.

I like my Peeps to tell their mom that they’re going to Madison’s to stay overnight but really be sneaking into a Zedd’s Dead show with a fake ID the night before New Year’s Eve.

I like my Peeps to be picked up off the ground of a Boystown street in June.

I like my Peeps to have “Costume accessory, Saturday Night Fever” on their resume. 

I like my Peeps to bring the flask to the art museum.

I like my Peeps to say things like, “I’m not sure, but this dealer’s never let me down before.”

I like my Peeps to know the spots in Panama City Beach where locals go.

I like my Peeps to learn their first big life lesson after they lose $600 buying counterfeit Tomorrowland tickets.

I like my Peeps to taste best if you eat them under a black light.

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Tasting Notes

– They’re Peeps, man.
– There is a very slight vanilla flavoring, it tastes like a faint bit of frosting or cake batter.
– The glitter coloring provides a slightly smoother mouthfeel compared to it’s more granular forefathers. A nice little treat.

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