Tag Archives: Butterfinger

Lumps of Coal

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When I was a wee lad, my grandma used to babysit me a lot. She was a sweet lady who loved Arnold Schwarzenegger and had a right hand that didn’t open up all the way on account of an industrial accident at a factory where she worked.

When I got tired of watching Predator and started beating up on my sisters, she would Stop That Right Now, Young Man Or Else You’re Going To Get THE CLAW.

She would beckon at me with her semi-clenched hand, her fingers extended and her long, sharpened fingernails pointed directly at my heart.

And I would stop, sit back down and get right back to watching Predator.

Grandma (Grambo to those who knew her – she loved Stallone too) passed a couple of years ago. As my family gathered to mourn and pore over pictures, possessions and memories, my cousins and I all came to realize that nobody ever actually got The Claw [Ed. note: It turns out, to some’s chagrin.] – the object of our abject fear was merely a ruse to get us to stop being such little shits.

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Miss you, Gram.

A similar ruse?

“If you don’t behave, all Santa is going to bring you is a lump of coal.”

Ignoring the fact that these days coal is a precious resource that might have a higher value than a great many other gifts, for a child, this is a scary-ass proposition. And, for the most part, it works.

Now, I know I’m not breaking new ground here, but we all recognize that nobody has ever – outside of the Kingsford briquette that your wisenheimer dad decided was a funny joke one year – gotten coal in their stocking in lieu of Christmas presents, right? The fortitude a parent would need to deal with the repercussions on Christmas morning alone would make it a futile decision, not to mention the therapy they’d need to pay for years later.

We continue to propagate the threat, though. And finally, someone’s taking advantage!

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If you squint real hard … they still don’t look like coal.

Butterfinger decided to market their holiday varietal as lumps of coal (pictured at top), and I couldn’t be happier. For one, it means the kids whose wisenheimer dads were going to put charcoal in their stocking now have a shot at a delicious alternative, but, really, it’s a creative way to package the best-possible form of Butterfinger. The chocolate-to-Butterfinger-stuffins ratio is higher than a typical Butterfinger, which offers a gentler tasting experience, both in the ways of initial taste as well as a more reasonable amount of candy that gets stuck in your teeth.

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It’s Bunny Season: The Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg Drops A Little Bop Upside All The Other Candy Eggs

IMG_3849We’ve rounded into Late Lent, folks; Easter is everywhere. [Ed. note: Though it’d be great to see more Palm Sunday. Some serious entertainment value in those palms when you’re sitting in church with your siblings.]

This means all sorts of things. Lots of pastels. Horrifying rabbits. Saran wrapped baskets.

That grass. That gets everywhere and steals all of your jellybeans and is the worst thing why can’t we just put our candy in plastic baggies inside of the basket because everyone would be happier and their candy consumption would be less tedious and all-around a better experience.

But it especially means eggs. All of the eggs, from the terrible hard-boiled and dyed ones to the plastic ones that if you were lucky were filled with a dollar. [Ed. note: That has to be one of the weirdest false ranges ever.] Egg-shaped things are given increased attention, and the candy companies have taken notice.

We’ll be talking about many of these eggs in the next week and a half, but I had to kick off my Easter candy commentary by throwing some dap in the direction of the champion of candy eggs: the Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg. Continue reading

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Valentine’s Week: One Shape Fits All

IMG_3597[Ed. note: All week, I’ll be eating seasonal Valentine’s Day candy. Because Valentine’s candy is very much a Thing, but doesn’t always satisfy the traditional definition of a candy bar, this week I’m operating under this temporary definition: If it’s a sweet that can be attached to a valentine — either the kind you’d pass out and collect in decorated shoeboxes in 4th grade or the kind of a more mature and romantic nature — it’s a candy bar.]

Valentine’s Day candy is fun because you always know what to expect.

And that is candy in the shape of a heart.

(Sometimes the candy isn’t shaped like a heart, but instead shaped the same way as it always is, only placed in a heart-shaped package. Which is technically the same thing, but is definitely not the same thing.) Continue reading

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WTF Is This?: Butterfinger Peanut Butter Cups

IMG_3551I’m dubious of anything that labels itself “smooth” and “crunchy” (was really hoping Google image search was going to dig up some gold on that one, but, alas, I have nothing to link to). Unless you have the proven reputation of jumbo shrimp, you best be careful throwin’ oxymorons around with such frivolity. Continue reading

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