Breaking Off A Piece

QUESTION: What do you call an X that just got out of the shower?
– Kris J.’s punchline: A clean X!
– Worse punchline: A frighteningly hygienic chromosome
– Better punchline: Something that W’s been awaiting for a long, long time
GOOD ONE, KRIS J.

QUESTION: Why did the banana go to the hairdresser?
– Colt C.’s punchline: He had a split end!
– Worse punchline: She wanted a more a-peeling look!
– Better punchline:
VERY PROGRESSIVE, COLT C., BECAUSE MEN DON’T OFTEN GO TO HAIRDRESSERS. I BET YOU ARE BELOVED AT COCKTAIL PARTIES.

QUESTION: What would you do without your memories?
– Matt M.’s punchline: Forget
– Worse punchline: Hey, this is a sad reality for a growing number of people you piece of shit
– Better punchline: Be a happier, prouder and more confident member of society? But hey, again, up yours, Matt M.
THERE’S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT ALZHEIMER’S AND DEMENTIA, MATT M.

QUESTION: How does a dinosaur come out of a pool?
– Trenton S.’ punchline: Wet!
– Worse punchline: Proud of itself for inventing a pool
– Better punchline: Incapable of using a towel
DINOSAUR JOKES ARE GOOD IN MY BOOK, TRENTON S. WE’RE COOL.

QUESTION: Why did the rabbit go to the hospital?
– Torie P.’s punchline: To get a hop-eration!
– Worse punchline: Anything relating to a tortoise. Don’t want it, Aesop.
– Better [Ed. note: and more accurate/likely] punchline: Childbirth
TORIE’S FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR IS CLEARLY EASTER.

QUESTION: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
– Haris B.’s punchline: Not much, it just let out a little whine
– Worse [Ed. note: but more accurate] punchline: Not much, it just let out a little juice that hadn’t been fermented yet
– Better punchline (tie): HOLY FKING SHIT WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU DO THAT YOU MONSTER LOOK WHERE YOU’RE WALKING WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY THAT WAS IN SPIDER-MAN; Nothing, because grapes can’t talk
DON’T YOU KNOW HOW WINE WORKS, HARIS B.?

Tasting Notes

– It’s pretty great to think that all taffy is is sugar.
– A big, stretchy thing of sugar.
– Strawberry, watermelon, grape.
– How do you get the Laffy Taffy joke curator job? Asking for a friend.