Category Archives: Column

Landlines, Semantics and E.T.

IMG_3905E.T. knew, like, eleven fking words.

Everybody remembers two.

[Ed. note: No, Ricky. Valiant effort, but “Ellliottttttt” is not one of them.]

Phone. Home.

They’re so memorable because they’re so simple (and, admittedly, because it was pretty damn cute to watch that vacuum talk like a toddler). This much is clear.

But they’re also so memorable because they’re so universal. Everyone’s phoned home.

What aisle do you find baking soda in? Phone home.

It’s Christmas. Phone home.

You crashed your car? Phone home.

Whatever happened to your Beanie Baby collection? Phone home.

It’s Sunday morning.

Phone home.

[Ed. note: Stevie Spielberg did a much better job hammering this point home.]

Yesterday, my folks disconnected their landline. Continue reading

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It’s Bunny Season: The Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg Drops A Little Bop Upside All The Other Candy Eggs

IMG_3849We’ve rounded into Late Lent, folks; Easter is everywhere. [Ed. note: Though it’d be great to see more Palm Sunday. Some serious entertainment value in those palms when you’re sitting in church with your siblings.]

This means all sorts of things. Lots of pastels. Horrifying rabbits. Saran wrapped baskets.

That grass. That gets everywhere and steals all of your jellybeans and is the worst thing why can’t we just put our candy in plastic baggies inside of the basket because everyone would be happier and their candy consumption would be less tedious and all-around a better experience.

But it especially means eggs. All of the eggs, from the terrible hard-boiled and dyed ones to the plastic ones that if you were lucky were filled with a dollar. [Ed. note: That has to be one of the weirdest false ranges ever.] Egg-shaped things are given increased attention, and the candy companies have taken notice.

We’ll be talking about many of these eggs in the next week and a half, but I had to kick off my Easter candy commentary by throwing some dap in the direction of the champion of candy eggs: the Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg. Continue reading

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Valentine’s Week: Some Words on Valentine’s Day

IMG_3616I have nothing to say about Valentine’s Day.

I have everything to say about Valentine’s Day.


I remember when Valentine’s Day stopped being something to look forward to.

The year before, my teacher gave my class the Social Studies period to decorate a shoebox, and then that Friday, the Friday before Valentine’s Day, everyone brought in folded up pieces of cardstock Tweety Birds and Power Rangers and big hearts on the front. For everyone. Sometimes people included candy, too. That was always great.

That year, though, the shoeboxes never happened. There was little candy and fewer Tweety Birds. The only people excited were the ones wondering whether the Monica CD they bought their girlfriends would get them something more than a held hand.

At the time, I was perfectly content playing with my Pokemon cards.

Continue reading

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Big On Chocolate, Not On Fat


I’m a little upset at how easily advertising campaigns find a way to burrow into my consciousness. If we were in one of those word association games that supporting characters on TV shows always use to help the protagonists understand what they really want, my immediate response to “3 Musketeers” would be “Big on chocolate, not on fat.”

(I know you expected me to say “Framing device used in Danny Boyle’s 2008 Oscar-winning film, ‘Slumdog Millionaire.'” Frankly, I’m surprised, too.)

That response comes before “classic literature”, “candy bar” and “Dartagnan.” Surely, I immediately associate the campaign with the candy bar, but that’s secondary; the ad is what I remember. Continue reading

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It’s OK, The Vegans Probably Don’t Have Any Beef With You

“I don’t like vegans. I gotta say: I trust ’em about as much as I trust a rattlesnake.” – Unnamed, mustachioed, cigar-smoking man with whom I once judged a chili cook-off

Vegans really piss some people off.

And I’m not talking about the shitty vegans. The man-this-is-a-pretty-sweet-castle-I’m-hanging-out-in-with-my-seitan-and-judgment vegans. The please-just-look-away-while-I-eat-this-cheesesteak-because-your-eyes-are-making-me-feel-guilty vegans. I think we can all agree that those people do exist and they are terrible.

No, the ones I’m referring to are the 90-95% of vegans who are actually just people. Completely normal, personable folks who have made the dietary decision to not eat anything that has to do with an animal (or something like that — vegan friends feel free to correct and/or elaborate). They don’t force their lifestyle upon you, and the only burden they become is the astronomical lift it takes to consider their diet when you invite them into your home to entertain and feed them. They do their black bean stuff while you do your ground beef stuff and afterward you watch the game together over two bottles of the same beer.

And people despise them. Continue reading

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My feelings on almonds, in a nutshell


Of all the flavors extracted from things that are used in making sweet things tasty (early favorite for qualifier of the year, I know), almond is by far my favorite.

It probably stems from my youth, when Mother Bar would consistently bake good-ass things flavored with almond, namely cake, cookies and, the best of them all, frosting. (If you have never had a tasty baked good with almond frosting, I encourage you to do so immediately, then if you don’t like it, escort yourself from the room and give your taste buds a talkin’ to because they need to straighten up, buster.) Continue reading

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Krackel: Confirmed to be chocolate

IMG_3534So, I know that I promised something potentially revelatory and/or lascivious Monday in my post about Whatchamacallits, contingent upon my consumption of a Krackel bar Tuesday.

And I still have something for you that’s potentially revelatory and/or lascivious!

Just leave Krackel out of it.

The thing that upset me so upon doing research on Whatchamacallits: In 2008, the candy bar was one of few subject to a formula change by Hershey’s, in a cost-cutting move. The change? Reducing the amount of cocoa butter and introducing vegetable oil, relegating the once-allowed-to-be-called-milk-chocolate-by-the-FDA status of its chocolate to a not-allowed-to-be-called-milk-chocolate-by-the-FDA one.

Which is kind of, in a word, gross. There are other words, too, but I don’t think they are actually real words and I’m just going to leave them alone in lieu of not-actually-real words of my own. Continue reading

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BREAKING: Crispy Motherfking M&M’s Are Back

IMG_3533Remember when Arrested Development got cancelled and the people who loved it were pissed but nobody else cared, then the show built a cult following thanks to Netflix and DVD, then there were like 47 Buzzfeed lists filled with righteous indignation that this gem of a show was taken so prematurely, then Netflix announced they would be filming another season, then everybody got really really excited, then it came out and WOW did it kind of suck, then nobody talks about it anymore, really?

This is only kind of like that. Continue reading

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A Word on Bacon

IMG_3528If the current climate of the internet is to be believed, the simple inclusion of the word bacon in this sentence should be enough to engage you sufficiently to want to read the rest of this column. Continue reading

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