Breaking Off A Piece

***

“I’m not a suspect, am I?”

Diana was puzzled. She wasn’t a thief. She hadn’t stolen anything since high school, when she would take quarters from the little charity display next to the register at Baskin-Robbins, salty when customers would neglect to acknowledge the effort it took to make their milkshake but instead award 25 cents to picture of the allegedly afflicted girl who had been there for years. Her name was Alison, come to think of it; she had leukemia.

But there he was. This policeman at her door. Asking her about her roommate from 3 years ago.

“If you were, I probably wouldn’t tell you. But no, you’re not a suspect. We’re just trying to gather as much information about Miss Havisham as we can. You never know what clues and leads present themselves when people start talking about common acquaintances and other kinds of everyday context.“Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know, you’re a policeman at my door asking about my roommate from 3 years ago and telling me she got a bunch of stuff taken from her. I guess I’ve watched enough Olivia Benson to think something might be up,” Diana said.

“I guess that’s valid.” The detective looked at Diana. “Was Miss Havisham dating anybody when you lived together?”

“I mean, she was on OKCupid a lot,” Diana said. “She’d dated a few guys for a month or two, but nothing ever really substantial. She got slow-faded a lot.”

“Slow-faded?”

“Oh, gosh.”

The detective looked inquisitively leery. “Is that something … sexual?”

“No! No. No, no nothing like that. It’s this weird thing when you go on a few dates with someone and you don’t have anything against them but it’s just not working out, but you haven’t been dating long enough to establish anything official, so instead of having an awkward quasi-breakup talk, you just slowly make yourself unavailable until that person either gets the hint or moves on to being attracted to someone else,” Diana said. “It’s … just easier.”

The detective remained puzzled, but a wave of relief moved across his face. “So, this is a thing guys do?”

“I mean, both guys and girls do it, depending on who isn’t into the other.”

“And people just … accept it’s happening? Instead of breaking up with each other?”

Diana detected a little hostility in the Detective’s tone. “Well, like, you can’t really break up with someone if you’ve been on two dates with them. There’s nothing there to even end. And people don’t necessarily accept it, the person getting slow-faded usually tries to connect a few times, usually unsuccessfully.

“But I like to think everyone has some suspicion that it’s happening when it’s happening.”

“I mean, out of courtesy they could just tell the person that they don’t think it’s—” The detective stopped. “So, what you’re saying is that she never really got that serious with anyone.”

Diana shrugged. “Well there were a few that she seemed to really like that lasted at least a little while. But she would get needy and then I’d stop seeing them — she just needed to grow up a little bit. Nobody marriage material.”

“Do you know their names?”

“I think there was a Mark … a Dan … I think his name was Jordan? Jamie? It was a name that could be a guy or a girl …”

“Do you know any of their last names?” the detective asked.

“Not their real ones,” Diana said.

“What do you mean?”

“Like, I know what we called them when we lived together, but they were nicknames. Like, Dan was Dan Cargo Shorts. Jesse! It was Jesse. He was Jesse Train.”

The detective let out a sigh. Under his breath, he repeated the words he was jotting in his notebook. “Romantic interest referred to as Jesse … Train.”

He looked at Diana. “Anybody else who Miss Havisham might have entrusted with information about where she kept her most valuable belongings?”

Diana narrowed her eyes. “Wait, what even did Starla get taken? Valuable belongings?! Like, precious jewels or something?”

“I’m not at liberty to discuss that at the moment,” The detective said. He was serious. “We’re still assessing the extent of the loss. But, generally, things that could be kept in a safe deposit box or personal safe. Anybody who she might trust to tell details about?”

Diana had so many questions. “Well, clearly not me, but we weren’t that close. But, I mean she had friends who I bet she was  close with? Parents? Really, though what did she get taken? I didn’t know she had a safe. Is that something people have? Like, usually? Did I just miss out on this as a thing?”

“Former roommate unaware of valuables,” the detective breathed as he wrote. “Ma’am, I’m just a detective. I don’t know about if safes are a thing. I would consult the internet.”

***

Tasting Notes (Quick-hits edition)

– Lindt Double Milk: The increase in milk is apparent and appreciated. There are also little sweet textural clusters that change things up enough so that it’s interesting in your mouth as you chew.
– Soft Now and Later Taffies: Completely unremarkable taffy treats. Also, False Banana strikes again.
– Violet Crumble: Another Brit version of astronaut ice cream.
– Fla-Vor-Ice Chewy Taffy Bits: The most literal interpretation of the name “Fruity Pebbles”.
– Munch: Munch! It’s just peanut brittle, guys
– Bun: Bun! It’s just caramel and peanut goop, guys.
– Zagnut: A gift from both Jules and Ashley Bar (thanks again, gals), I … just am not a fan of coconut-peanut butter chewy crunchy things. Not bad, but just not for me.
– Chocolate Charleston Chew: Not as good as the vanilla. Probably better in the freezer.
– Rolo: Endlessly poppable. Love these things.
– Smarties: A gift from Marin and Regan Bar, these are M&M’s with CDM chocolate. An interesting difference, but I’m thinking I like M&M’s better. Still, these are way better than the other kind of Smarties.