Candy Bar or Candy Baren’t: Asparagus


We all know this has been coming from the moment I started this little experiment.

Easily the most contentious disagreements I’ve had this year have been surrounding whether something is or isn’t a candy bar.

I know a lot of you don’t believe in my definition.

… But I also know a lot of you have eaten asparagus before.

And despite its unconventional format, despite the fact that it’s found in the produce aisle, despite that it pretty definitely needs to be cooked before you eat it, I don’t know anybody who could deny “Nature’s Candy” its rightful classification as 100% fking candy bar.

I mean, do you not have tastebuds?

Have you never had a medley where you were disappointed that the ‘gus [Ed. note: You know I’m pronouncing it “goose”.] got thrown in? Have you never been eating a fine risotto and said, “You know what wouldn’t make this better? Some bitchin-ass spears of my green friend asparagus.”?

Have you never had a bad day and just gone to the grocery store and chomped on some asparagus heads, letting go as your pains give way to their succulent, fibrous texture?

Guys, this is asparagus we are talking about. Not a jawbreaker. Not a granola bar.


You’re certainly allowed to disagree with me. You are entitled to your opinion and your own personal definition of “candy bar”. You are welcome to cast asparagus among jelly beans and fruit snacks.

Just as I am welcome to call you a Philistine.

#CountOnCarp campaign. Will try a little harder next year.

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2 thoughts on “Candy Bar or Candy Baren’t: Asparagus

  1. Dan Moore says:

    This is an April Fool’s joke I can believe in. No candy bar tastes better with a big pat of melting butter on top.


  2. mleidigh says:

    I think asparagus is delicious, nutritious and best of all it makes your pee smell funny. In a really terrible way. I’d happily take it over anything you have reviewed thus far in this blog.


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