You know those nature videos where a bear emerges from his/her cave after months of inactivity from hibernating, then struggles, all wobbly and disheveled until it moves around a little bit and secures food, quickly regaining its strength to resume its awesome life?
https://youtu.be/fWeiauMNnEs?t=8m54s
The short run I went on Monday night was literally that process only in reverse order. Yuck.
Much thanks to Nate Bar for the gift bar.
Ya damn right I held this post for St. Patrick’s Day because the bag was green.
Skittles’ newest offering is Orchards, which is supposedly comprised of fruit flavors grown in orchards, even though just about everybody says orange grove and nobody knows what a peach farm is called.
[Ed. note: Thank you, M&M-Mars, for the search phrase “What determines the nomenclature of a fruit garden?”]
My theory? Orchards is the severance package they offered Lime when it got demoted from the main bag in favor of the upstart Green Apple.
Poor Lime.
Tasting Notes
– Lime: Same ol’ good-ass lime. Continue reading
…
“Thank you so much. Again, I’m so sorry.”
The cashier squinted her eyes like she was smiling but her mouth never actually moved. She hated me.
They all did.
“C’mon, Toby! Come with mommy!”
His little fingers grasped my largest two and we made toward the automatic door.
…
“Mother of the year, right there.”
What. “Mother of the year right there”?
You have got to be. fcking. kidding me.
I turned and glared at that little bitch.
“You’ve got some nerve. You know that?”
“Excuse me, what?” Continue reading
QUESTION: What do you call an X that just got out of the shower?
– Kris J.’s punchline: A clean X!
– Worse punchline: A frighteningly hygienic chromosome
– Better punchline: Something that W’s been awaiting for a long, long time
GOOD ONE, KRIS J.
QUESTION: Why did the banana go to the hairdresser?
– Colt C.’s punchline: He had a split end!
– Worse punchline: She wanted a more a-peeling look!
– Better punchline:
VERY PROGRESSIVE, COLT C., BECAUSE MEN DON’T OFTEN GO TO HAIRDRESSERS. I BET YOU ARE BELOVED AT COCKTAIL PARTIES.
QUESTION: What would you do without your memories?
– Matt M.’s punchline: Forget
– Worse punchline: Hey, this is a sad reality for a growing number of people you piece of shit
– Better punchline: Be a happier, prouder and more confident member of society? But hey, again, up yours, Matt M.
THERE’S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT ALZHEIMER’S AND DEMENTIA, MATT M.
QUESTION: How does a dinosaur come out of a pool?
– Trenton S.’ punchline: Wet!
– Worse punchline: Proud of itself for inventing a pool
– Better punchline: Incapable of using a towel
DINOSAUR JOKES ARE GOOD IN MY BOOK, TRENTON S. WE’RE COOL.
QUESTION: Why did the rabbit go to the hospital?
– Torie P.’s punchline: To get a hop-eration!
– Worse punchline: Anything relating to a tortoise. Don’t want it, Aesop.
– Better [Ed. note: and more accurate/likely] punchline: Childbirth
TORIE’S FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR IS CLEARLY EASTER.
QUESTION: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
– Haris B.’s punchline: Not much, it just let out a little whine
– Worse [Ed. note: but more accurate] punchline: Not much, it just let out a little juice that hadn’t been fermented yet
– Better punchline (tie): HOLY FKING SHIT WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU DO THAT YOU MONSTER LOOK WHERE YOU’RE WALKING WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY THAT WAS IN SPIDER-MAN; Nothing, because grapes can’t talk
DON’T YOU KNOW HOW WINE WORKS, HARIS B.?
Tasting Notes
– It’s pretty great to think that all taffy is is sugar.
– A big, stretchy thing of sugar.
– Strawberry, watermelon, grape.
– How do you get the Laffy Taffy joke curator job? Asking for a friend.
[Ed. note: Breaking Off a Flick will be a running feature about the candy I eat when I go to the movies. Cherish these, because I don’t go to many movies.]
Man, Will Smith is just the best.
Focus is a lot of fun. It’s also not a great movie. There are two or three scenes that don’t make any sense after all the dust from the cons settle. Margot Robbie is extremely attractive but I still am unsure whether she can act.
But this was the closest thing we’ve gotten to Big Will since Hitch. And for that, I am a happy fella.
Tasting Notes
– You know what a Reese’s tastes like.
– Unless you’re allergic to peanuts. My bad. Didn’t mean to rub that in.
– Big shoutout to the theater for playing the movie on the screen with the motorized-reclining seats. Top-notch stuff there, Regal. #1.
“Introduction: Life is like a box of chocolates, and you know where that came from. You never know what you’re going to get.
“Sometimes you meet three people from South Dakota and you become best friends.” – An ass. prince Continue reading
– The perfect candy bar for people who want their chocolate to also taste like coffee creamer.
– A little sweet for my taste, which is saying a lot.
My Sister Bar is allergic to red food dye. Gives her all sorts of yuck yucks on her arms and face.
It’s definitely a bummer, but in terms of food allergies, it’s relatively harmless (though I’m sure she’d have words to say about that); she doesn’t have to carry an Epi-pen around or tell servers at restaurants that she can’t have red dye.
She just can’t drink Mountain Dew: Code Red or eat red sno-cones. Kool-aid is off the table, as are other things of that nature.
Something else of that nature: red velvet cake. Continue reading
If you’ve been paying attention to the checkout aisle lately, you’re either very upset at Chris Soules for kicking Carly to the curb or you have noticed small bags of even smaller iterations of your favorite candy bars.
I don’t have a name for this phenomenon [Ed. note: Submissions welcome], but the folks in the candy biz are jumping all-in. Whether they’re Bites, Minis or some other name that a marketing firm decided on because they realized they can’t use a derogatory term for little people any more, these candy bars allow you to take a handful of a candy bar for which you previously needed to break off a piece. People love things that are smaller than they are supposed to be, so I understand the appeal.
As I encounter these bars, I’ll take care to note the differences in composition to their original state; I already have a pretty good idea that there will be some slight variance in taste and texture. Trust, I’ll be meticulous and precise.
Tasting Notes:
– These are literally the exact same thing as regular 3 Musketeers. Just smaller in my hands.
– I feel like a giant.
Breaking Off A Piece 