[Ed. note: All week, I’ll be eating seasonal Valentine’s Day candy. Because Valentine’s candy is very much a Thing, but doesn’t always satisfy the traditional definition of a candy bar, this week I’m operating under this temporary definition: If it’s a sweet that can be attached to a valentine — either the kind you’d pass out and collect in decorated shoeboxes in 4th grade or the kind of a more mature and romantic nature — it’s a candy bar.]
Valentine’s Day candy is fun because you always know what to expect.
And that is candy in the shape of a heart.
(Sometimes the candy isn’t shaped like a heart, but instead shaped the same way as it always is, only placed in a heart-shaped package. Which is technically the same thing, but is definitely not the same thing.)
Other holiday candies, if in a non-standard, seasonal shape, have at least some variation: Halloween has its pumpkins, skulls, other spooky things; Christmas its trees, ornaments, snowflakes; Easter its eggs and adorable baby marshmallow farm creatures.
Valentine’s Day, though: You get hearts. Sorry, bub. That’s it. You might have had a shot with an arrow, but, putting aside the fact that you’re asking someone to take a figurative leap in accepting that said candy arrow was shot from a cherubic archer meddling in the private affairs of unsuspecting victims, there’s a 75 percent chance that it would just look like a candy phallus, and I don’t think candy companies these days are looking for that kind of PR.
There’s nothing wrong with this kind of homogeneity, of course. It makes for a little less excitement in the candy aisle, but I can only assume that loss is mitigated by the reassurance that people who stress about the presentation of their seasonal candy feel knowing they can rely on their Valentine’s sweets to be symmetrical on exactly one axis.
I don’t have much more to say on the subject, though I will note that there have been better days for embedded links and short sentences.
– A big thanks to Angela Bar, who was so kind as to gift me these treats.
– Similar to the Butterfinger Peanut Butter Cup, the Butterfinger Hearts have little bits of Butterfinger dispersed throughout the candy, as opposed to a layer of Butterfinger Middle covered in chocolate.
– And I think it works here. Tasty stuff. Not so messy with the sticky crumblies.