Exercises in Candy Paraphernelia

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I remember, as a kid, being candy-shamed for the “smoking” candy cigarettes by my elementary school guidance counselor. She said that they were just a marketing tool used by the cigarette companies to get kids to want to smoke real cigarettes, and that real cigarettes are a dangerous road to walk down, young man.

She was mistaken, though. Kids want to smoke real cigarettes because they are cool, because they aren’t supposed to and/or because their parents smoke them. The only thing that candy cigarettes make kids want to know is what they’re actually supposed to look like, because they look nothing like actual cigarettes. [Ed. note: They actually look like joints, kids. Marijuana joints. And, it seems, current culture is saying those are probably better for you to smoke anyway. Certainly more fun, at least.]

That being said, I ended up smoking a cigarette or two in my life, so Mrs. Winneman ended up being right, I guess.

WHICH WORRIES ME, BECAUSE I JUST ATE A CANDY BAR THAT LOOKS LIKE A A SYRINGE (AND ALSO MAYBE A CONDOMED PHALLUS, ACCORDING TO ONE COWORKER BAR).

Really though. I know I said this yesterday, too, but … what candy executive came up with this idea? And then pitched it so well that all the other candy executives were like, “You know what? These kids are going to LOVE this, and we’re going to make a TON of money!”?

It’s weird-colored goop that you put on the back of your hand and then lick off. And, as you’ll see in the tasting notes, it’s absolutely disgusting. It’s so aggressively unpleasant-tasting that I don’t think it would catch on.

But candy cigarettes aren’t particularly renowned for their flavor profile, either.

And apparently this is a candy that sells enough that it’s still on shelves.

So we’ll see what happens, youths of America. I’m not about to suggest that you’re going to use intravenous drugs, but if you do, maybe you should have listened to your friendly, neighborhood candy bar blogger.

Or your tastebuds. Because good lord what is wrong with you eating this garbage.

Tasting Notes

– This is just corn syrup with food coloring.
– Actually, that would be preferable.
– I really can’t impart how bad this stuff tastes.
– “This tastes like chemicals and the back of my hand.”
– The worst part? I had the fruit punch version … There’s a chance I may need to (out of necessity of dwindling availability of other candy bars) try others to finish my little adventure out. *shudder*

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